Robert Wheeler squinted into the bright light after hours in the dark of the Cadillac’s trunk. When his eyes could tolerate the light, he saw Hep, Scroat and Inktomi looking down at him. Inktomi looked mildly freaked out, while Hep and Scroat looked pissed off. Scroat more so than Hep.
Hep grabbed Robert and pulled him out of the trunk. Robert looked around, and realized he had no idea where they were. It looked like they were on the moon, or something. The ground was hard and dry mud, and went for miles without interruption in any direction. In the far distance were mountains, which served to make the place seem even more alien.
“Where are we?” Robert asked.
“Smack dab in the middle of the Black Rock Desert. It’s at least a one hundred mile walk in any direction, with nowhere to hide. So if you try to run, we’ll just follow you in the car until you fall over from exhaustion or thirst. Got it?” Hep said. He still had a firm hold on Robert’s arm.
“Yeah, I got it,” Robert said.
Hep let go of him, “Good. So, let’s talk about how it is that Scroat and I came home to find our house on fire, and our housesitter nowhere to be found.”
Robert said, “Well, it’s pretty simple, really. I was invited to a high stakes poker game, and this guy was one of the other players. He cheated, and cleaned me out. Seventy thousand dollars! So I paid him a little visit. I just wanted to have a nice little chat about how he was going to give my money back, or I’d see to it he never played poker in any of the big games again. Well, after he called me variety of rotten names and told me to go fuck myself, I got a little pissed off. He slammed the door in my face, and I left. I went back a couple days later, to try to get my money again. But I discovered he’d run off. And then I learned he’d been house sitting. And then, through some interesting coincidences, I learned whose house he was sitting. And I learned about how his houses have had an unusual tendency to burn down. And I thought, if this house burned down, you two would hunt him down, and all I’d have to do is follow you, and then I’d get my money back.
“Except then you got on a god damned boat, sailing for Alaska! Well, you weren’t going to find Inktomi on the ocean, so while you were drunk, I knocked a hole in Poseidon’s boat and trapped another drunk sailor in one of the lockers on the boat. I figured that would get you kicked off the boat. Then I just had to follow you.
“The Society of the Seven Seals in Minneapolis learned Inktomi was in Las Vegas when they were laying there half-conscious outside a bar. So I hustled out here and I found him, but he ran off again. But then you guys came along, and tracked him down for me.”
Hep and Scroat took a moment to absorb this information. Their house had been burned down by a guy who wanted to find Inktomi. Most of the experiences they’d had over the last month were because of some jackass who wanted them to find Inktomi for him.
“Do you have any idea,” Hep said, “how entirely insane your plan was?”
“Fucking insane,” Scroat said.
Robert didn’t say anything in response. He stared at the ground, expecting bad things to happen to him at any moment.
“Wow, guys, I’m sorry you had to put up with that kind of bullshit from some guy who was trying to find me,” Inktomi said. “I’ll help you rebuild your house.”
“Thank you,” Hep said. “I guess we can’t really blame you, though. Even if you should have, maybe, gotten in touch with us to let us know what was up.”
“Fuck that shit! I can blame him. I can blame both of them. It’s easy!” Scroat said. “I’ve got half a mind to kick both of your asses back and forth across the fucking playa.”
“Easy there, big fella,” Hep said. “Inktomi’s already offered to make good for the damage to our house, and I think I know how Robert here can make the rest right.”
He looked at Robert. “I hope you’re ready for a lot of rainy nights,” he said. Then he looked up at the sky and called “Poseidon! You’re needed here. I think you’ll be interested in what I have to show you.”
Poseidon appeared next to the three of them with a thunderclap to announce his arrival.
“Make this quick, I don’t like to leave the boat unattended for long,” Poseidon said.
“We found out who knocked the hole in your boat. This guy,” Hep said, and pointed at him. “He just admitted to it. We thought it might be just if he helped you out for a while, to repay his debt.”
Poseidon clapped Hep on the shoulder, and said, “I knew you wouldn’t knock a hole in my boat. Not on purpose anyhow.”
The sky darkened, and the wind picked up as his attention shifted to Robert Wheeler
“Now, as for you,” he said to Robert, “Fixing that hole cost me two thousand dollars and a week of sailing, which means I’ve missed the weather window for some of the northernmost parts of the trip I had planned. But I’ve been thinking about doing a circumnavigation anyway, and I need some crew to clean the bottom of the boat and take care of the rest of the maintenance I, frankly, don’t like doing. You’ll do.”
“What if I say no?” Robert said.
“Well, it doesn’t take much prompting to get Ares to kill someone. Usually we can’t even finish asking before he’s gone and killed the person. We could get him involved,” Hep said. “I’m nearly certain he’s got the time.”
“Looks like I’ll be going sailing then,” Robert said.
Poseidon grabbed his arm, and said “It sure does.”
The two of them vanished. The sky cleared up again, and Hep, Scroat and Inktomi were alone on the playa.
“So,” Hep said, “should we head back to Vegas?”
“Fuck yeah!” Scroat said.
Inktomi closed the Cadillac’s trunk, and the three of them got in. It was a long drive back to Pahrump to get their bikes, so they didn’t waste any time.
“Hey Hep,” Inktomi said, “How come all the rest of you Greek types can appear and disappear whenever they want, but you can’t?”
Hep laughed and rubbed at his temples. “I can, but for some reason I get the worst hangover in the world when I do it. So I try not to.”
“That’s a real drag. It seems like it would be a handy skill,” Inktomi said.
“I dunno. If you can appear whenever you want, people expect you to actually show up right away when they call you,” Hep said.
“Good point,” Inktomi said.
They arrived in Pahrump a few hours later, back at the casino where they’d left their bikes. Hep told Inktomi they would catch up with him on Fremont Street in Las Vegas.
Hep and Scroat started their bikes. Before they rolled out, Scroat said, “I don’t suppose we could go back to that brothel?”
“Probably not for a while, Scroat,” Hep said. “I suspect we freaked them out a bit earlier, what with the gun and the tying a guy up and stuffing him in the trunk.”
“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Too bad. I think one of those girls was into me,” Scroat said.
“I think that’s wishful thinking,” Hep said.
“Whatever. You’re just jealous,” Scroat said.
They pulled back on to the main drag, and rode towards Las Vegas. An hour later, they’d parked their bikes and were searching for a cocktail and a good time.
They stayed two days, made and lost a great number of friends they couldn’t remember, and generally blew off the steam that had been gathering for the last month. On the third day, though, it was time to head home.
But first, they had to deal with a surplus of motorcycles. Hep and Scroat’s bikes were still in Ares’s care in Los Angeles. Hep hated to leave the bikes in L.A., and Scroat hated to leave the bikes with Ares. Between the two of them, they came up with a plan for what to do with the bikes they were on right now.
Sixteen hours later, they were in Brookings, Oregon once more. They parked their bikes outside the bar they’d visited and went inside. At the bar were a dirty blond and a brunette with curly hair, both in impossibly tall heels.
“Can we buy you ladies a drink or two?” Hep said to them.
Samantha and Cindi turned and their faces fell.
“Oh, shit, what the fuck do you guys want now? I thought we were rid of you,” Samantha said.
Cindi had crossed her arms.
“Well, we were in the neighborhood, and thought we’d stop by and give you each a small token of our esteem, for the blanket and the ride,” Hep said.
“It only seemed right,” Scroat said, grinning.
“Really?” Samantha said, skeptical.
“Really,” Hep said. He put the keys to the bikes they’d bought in Bend on the bar in front of them. “They’re parked outside. Titles are under the seats. We were in a tight spot and you helped us out, so, thanks.”
“Is this a scam?” Cindi asked.
“Nope. Now, can we buy you a couple of drinks?”
Samantha smiled. “Sure, but we’re not going back to any boats again.”
“A-fucking-men,” Scroat said.
Hep and Scroat bummed rides, hitchhiked and rode public transportation the rest of the way back to Los Angeles. Ares was happy to see them when he picked them up at the bus terminal.
“Hey, how was the trip?” he asked.
“Same old shit,” Scroat said. “Drunkenness, violence and kidnappings.”
“Man, sounds like I missed out on a good time,” Ares said.
“Not so much,” Hep said.
Their bikes were under a tarp in Ares’s garage. As expected, both of them started immediately, as if they’d just been running an hour ago.
“Thanks for taking care of our bikes, Ares,” Hep said. “We’ll see you around.”
“Aren’t you going to stay for dinner? I know a killer pizza place,” Ares said.
“Nope. It’s time to get back home and take care of things there,” Hep said.
“Well, you know, if you need something, or something needs killing, I’m usually around,” Ares said.
“Thanks again. See ya,” Hep said. He and Scroat pulled out of Ares’s garage, and started the long ride home.
They arrived back on their property about seven hours later. There wasn’t much left, but Hep was happy to see that his anvil and forge were still there and just fine, apart from being covered in soot.
And there was a new addition on their land. A thirty foot travel trailer. Neither Hep nor Scroat recognized it. Hep walked up and found a note on the front door. It was from his neighbors down the way.
Figured this would be better than a tent while you rebuild. The key is on top of the door frame. Stop by when you get back and say hello.
“Well, that was awfully nice of them,” Hep said. He found the key, and opened up the trailer. He and Scroat went inside to check it out. Apart from smelling like cigarettes and dogs, with carpet right out of the seventies, it was pretty nice.
It would do for now.
The End.
Nanowrimo 2010 Winner! Final word count: 50,019.
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